The 1er Last September, Marie-Noëlle and I met our third child, Joséphine. A bundle of joy, she joined Marguerite, 4, and Lambert, 2, to complete our big, beautiful family.
Over the past few weeks, as I've plunged headlong back into the joys (and challenges) of life with a newborn, I've been struck by a realization: it's amazing how much my life has changed in just four years.
I saw myself again, in 2018, as I was somewhat awkwardly discovering the world of fatherhood. And I felt like writing to the naive and unaware father that I was. So that, perhaps, it might be of use to others. Because there are some simple but important things I wish someone had told me back then.
Tip #1: "Ignore the looks and comments of others."
It's inevitable. People you like (and people you like a little less) are going to make comments about your kids. About the way you look after them. About their behavior and development. And sometimes, it's going to come for you.
"Aren't you afraid to spoil him?"
"It seems to me that she cries a lot. She's a tough baby, isn't she?"
"Doesn't he walk on all fours yet?"
Here are two points
- People, for the most part, have no ill intentions. These remarks are made without the slightest hint of judgment. People say what's on their minds, without thinking about the disproportionate impact their words can have on young, inexperienced parents. So there's no point in harboring bad feelings about them.
- You can't control what other people will say, but you can always control your own reaction.
Personally, I remember comments that irritated me when we had just had our first baby. I have no such recollection with our second, and even less so with our third.
Yet the world around us probably hasn't changed. We've just learned to ignore the gaze of others. Because we know full well that there are many good ways to raise children. And that all children have their own personality and develop at their own pace.
Tip #2: "Do your own research...but not just anywhere."
Even though Quebec fathers are more involved than ever in their families, there is still a marked imbalance between men and women when we analyze the time spent learning about the various facets of parenthood.
I won't pretend to be an exceptional father. It's true at home too: my girlfriend reads a lot more than I do on the subject. But over the years, I've learned to do my homework. For two reasons:
- It's a great weight off a mother's shoulders to know that she's not solely responsible for finding answers when a child is ill, or when there are questions about some aspect of his development. After all, we made these children together. We should both be asking questions about their lives.
- When you disagree with your partner, it helps to have read up on the subject. It helps to have a slightly more fleshed-out and rational argument, and even to be reassuring, instead of simply retorting: "Come on, don't! This kid's okay. Let's not get carried away!
My reference
Of course, "doing your research" can be a perilous exercise. The Internet is full of dubious sites and pseudo-experts offering ready-made solutions to worried parents in search of answers.
My advice can be summed up in three words: Birth and growth. It has become the reference site to which I systematically turn when I have a question. All their content is tailored to Quebec families and validated by independent experts. And best of all, unlike almost all other parenting sites, they're not for profit, they're not commercial, and they don't carry any advertising. That makes all the difference.
By the way, for guys like me who like easily accessible, logically indexed and well-synthesized content, Birth and growth has just launched a mobile application to follow your child's development from pregnancy to age 2. It reads wonderfully well in your spare time.
P.S.: I know, it sounds like a plogue. Actually, it is a plogue! But it's a sincere plogue, as they say. Go ahead, download the application. I swear it's better than any obscure French site you'll come across while Googling.
Tip #3: "Dads are just as good at taking care of a child as moms."
Even though times are changing, certain stereotypes and unconscious biases are still with us, so much so that we still live in a society where fathers' skills are all too often called into question. Starting with fathers themselves.
Four years ago, I was full of doubts myself. I soon realized that my girlfriend shared the same apprehensions as me. That we were two first-time parents with, with a few exceptions, the same abilities.
Over time, we've become a great team, where everyone knows they can rely on each other. So, my final and most important piece of advice is: trust yourself, buddy. Take your place. And make the most of the richest adventure life has to offer.
